Dealing with Overeating

I find it ironic that throughout history people struggled to have enough food to survive.  It seems almost unimaginable since I live in a country where the "lower class" are rich compared to the rest of the world, and most of us have such an abundance of food, our struggle is not to eat enough to survive, but to stop eating so much!

Sometimes, I wish I knew what it was like to really go hungry.  Not because it was self imposed (Fast Sunday), but because I literally couldn't get enough food.  I guess I think it would help my perspective more and help me have a healthier relationship with food, in seeing it as survival, instead of as a coping tool.  (Although I guess it could go either way.) Even when we were without a career for eighteen months, we never went without food, and our cupboards were never bare.  I know that happens to people in my country, in my city, in my neighborhood, but for me, it is an absolutely foreign concept.  There were times when I wondered if we would have enough healthy food to feed the children for the rest of the month, but the Lord always provided, and we never ever went hungry.

Even as a child, I never ever had to worry about having enough food to survive.  I was so spoiled I would take one look at a fully stocked pantry and complain, "There's nothing to eat!"  Just because there was nothing easy to grab.  My mother was an excellent cook and every night when she made dinner, us six kids would gobble it up.  It became a competition of sorts; I remember feeling that even if I wasn't hungry, I had to eat, because there would be no leftovers.  My Mom loved having leftovers, which we rarely had, unless it was a meal none of us particularly cared for, so she started getting wise and making double.  Well, guess what?  We just ended up eating more!  And she still didn't have leftovers!  It was crazy.

It took me years after I got married to stop going into that frenzied, "Hurry up and eat or I won't get any" mode, whenever I went home to visit.  It was quite stupid, anyway, since the refrigerator and pantry were almost always full.  Rarely stocked with easy to eat stuff, but always plenty of food, if you wanted to put forth a little extra effort.

Every child in our family was a night owl, and we would stay up so late, that naturally our bodies would get hungry again, since it had been five hours since we ate dinner.  And then somebody would be ambitious enough to make a plate of nachos, and we would all swoop in, and finish it off, and follow it with another plate.

I remember being shocked when a friend was offered a treat and they would refuse, saying, "No, thanks.  I'm not hungry."  To me, hungry had nothing to do with it.  Didn't they want to just taste it?  I never, ever turned down a treat because I wasn't hungry.

It never occurred to me to only eat when I was hungry.  I ate when I was hungry, ate when I thought there would be no leftovers, ate when there was a yummy dessert, (even though I was stuffed full), ate when I was reading a book, ate just because everyone else was. 

When I was twenty one and had recently gone through a mighty change of heart, I was running every day.  Food wasn't as important to me, and I would stop when I was satisfied, and ended up eating much, much less than I had in the past.  My Mom started to get worried, thinking I had an eating disorder.  I didn't, it was just that my Spirit finally had the upper hand, and I was more in tune with my body and didn't like the discomfort of being full. 

Later that year, I got married, enrolled in school full-time and worked part-time and the stresses piled on.  I ate to alleviate my stress.  I gained twenty pounds in one year.  On a person who is only 5'0 tall, that is quite a lot.  I felt horrible, but I really didn't know what to do about it.  My co-worker and I signed up for a Step Aerobics class that we went to several nights a week.  It kicked my booty!  I felt very inadequate when the instructor was in her third trimester of pregnancy and never got out of breath during the whole 60 minute session, and I struggled to keep up.  But I continued going.

I never lost even one pound.  I was baffled.  How could I not lose a pound?  When I look back, it's obvious.  I had never been a big junk food eater, but at my work, we had a break room stocked with snacks, which I would visit frequently, since I would never bring my own lunch.  Sometimes I would eat two candy bars, plus other things every day.  I had never eaten so junky in my life and somehow I had easily morphed into eating all kinds of junk at work, that I would never eat in my own home!  I didn't realize I was simply eating so many calories there was no way I could burn all of them off.   I would have had to become a full time dance instructor to do so.  Even when that job ended, and I was eating much healthier, the weight just stayed.

I was a little nervous about getting pregnant, when I was by then 30 plus pounds overweight.  Everyone claimed you gained a lot of extra weight while pregnant, but Brad and I knew that a baby was what we wanted. 

Even though nausea and vomiting were a horrible ordeal to go through for 8 weeks, it helped at least that I lost some of my excess weight.  I somehow hit the gene pool jackpot and only ended up gaining 18 pounds during my pregnancy, after losing ten pounds or so during the first trimester.  I didn't do anything different, I ate regularly and never tried to eat less, but for some reason, my body burns calories like crazy when I'm pregnant.  Not at all efficient for survival, but a blessing in a too plentiful society. 

When I went in for Noah's two month infant check up, I weighed myself and was twenty pounds lighter!  And thirty pounds lighter than when I got pregnant.  I couldn't believe my good fortune.  I hadn't done anything different, except of course I wasn't eating whole candy bars anymore and sitting down at a desk job. 

That was a huge blessing, but of course, as life got more hectic, the pounds would creep back on.  I went through probably seven years of "trying to eat healthier", even though I basically eat a healthy diet, and exercising.  I never starved or went on fad diets, I would always try to lose the weight with exercise.

Two months after I had Amalie, I started going to a local workout class.  It was a two-hour workout three days a week.  I was working out six hours a week, and after five months my clothes weren't any looser.  My muscles were more defined, but I didn't seem to be losing much fat.  It was really discouraging.  So, I started running on the days when I didn't do my two hour workout.  Then the weight finally started to come off.  But it was discouraging!  I had to work out nine hours a week in order to lose weight?  Was it really worth it?  I mean, I had a baby that was still nursing, and a four year old to take care of! After getting the children ready for the day, exercising, showering and getting myself ready, it was noon by the time my day got started.  I had no extra time to myself and I couldn't seem to keep my house clean.  My life was highly out of balance.

After a few more months of this hectic schedule, I stopped exercising.  It just wasn't worth it.

And then, a year or so later,  I got pregnant with Gabe.  True to form, I didn't gain much, only 20 pounds.  I was even lucky enough that at Gabe's two week visit, I was down by 17 lbs!  I was stoked!  Yes!  But then sleep deprivation set in.  I had never tried to live on so little sleep, and with having to get Noah off to school, I couldn't sleep in.  I was living off of four to five (interrupted) hours of sleep a night when I normally needed nine hours to fully function, and I didn't know how I was going to survive it, let alone the rest of the family.  I had little patience and little coherence as a result. I turned to food to boost my energy.  I was so out of touch with what my body's needs were, I used food for energy when what I really needed was sleep.  Obviously, I couldn't get more sleep at that stage of life, since that is the reality of a newborn who has tummy troubles.  (I later found out some of the foods I was eating were making his tummy hurt) And when I felt particularly stressed, I would turn to food as well.  I would find myself going to the kitchen when the kids were especially frustrating.

I quickly gained back the weight I'd lost.  Not only was I sleep deprived, but now my pants were too tight.  But it wasn't until I saw a picture of myself that I realized how out of control things had gotten. 

"Am I really that fat?" I asked Brad. 

Brad kindly, but honestly answered, "You're not fat, but that is what you look like."

Oh, how depressing.  It felt like a smack in the face that I had this beautiful baby, but I couldn't enjoy him because I wasn't getting my basic needs met (sleep) and now I felt like a gross slob.

So, instead of going crazy and making plans to exercise every day for an hour, like I had in the past and then quickly dropped after realizing how unrealistic it was to jump from no exercise to six hours a week, I decided to just work a little more exercise into my day.  I would run a few laps around the house, or around the playground when my kids were at the park, or walk somewhere close by, or turn on Grooveshark and dance with my kids.  And the weight started to come off. 

But then it would go back up a few weeks later.

Then one weekend last summer I was at my sisters' house and she had this book called "Miracle Pill" by Tres Hatch.  She said how good it was, so I politely perused it, thinking it was another one of those stupid diet gimmicks that will tell you how to lose weight in a month, but then you gain it all back and more.

But it wasn't.  I didn't even read very much, just a few chapters, but I realized for the first time in my life that I am a compulsive overeater.  I didn't need to know how to exercise, I didn't need to know how to eat healthy, I mean I did graduate in Nutritional Science, but I needed to know how to stop abusing food, or rather abusing my body, by putting in food when I didn't need it or want it!

There were practical tools such as eating smaller bites and really savoring your food.  I realized that even though I claimed to love food, I ate so fast that I had never in my life savored anything or really tasted it fully!  I also realized that I needed to eat only when I was hungry and never when I wasn't.  I also liked that Tres talked about having a treat every day.  I was all about that!  And really savoring it.  And stopping when I was satisfied, instead of stopping when my stomach was so full it was distended.

I started that day.  It was amazing.  And freeing.  For the first time, I was actually enjoying my food, and savoring it.  No wonder I'd had to down so many helpings, since in the past I'd always gobbled it so quickly, I could barely taste it.  I was so used to just popping food in my mouth, just because it was sitting on the counter.  That had to stop!  I would eat my children's leftovers because I hated to see food "wasted".  But I am not a human garbage can and I realized that throwing it away was much better than putting it in my body when I wasn't hungry! 

I was surprised at how little I ate when I only ate when I was hungry. It was embarrassing that I'd always thought the children ate so much that we never had enough leftovers for Brad's lunch and mine. But once I started eating only what my body needed, we had a lot of leftovers.  I felt really sheepish.  I had no idea I'd been overeating by that much!

It was tough though too, I mean, I'd been overeating for over thirty years, and old habits die hard.  But as I prayed for strength greater than my own, I had wonderful thoughts from my husband and others that helped me to change my way of thinking.  From being pregnant three times, I had learned never to let my body get hungry, since if I did, it would always punish me with nausea.  I hadn't felt real hunger in years!  I realized that being hungry is not the enemy.  And that I didn't need to feed myself in anticipation of becoming hungry.  It was very freeing to know that my Spirit ruled my body instead of the other way around. 

I got really good at being in tune with what my body needed instead of what my body wanted.  I didn't even try to formally exercise, besides just putting a little more activity in my day, and the pounds melted off.  I was going to a back specialist twice a month that summer, and I was shocked every time I stepped on a scale to see that I was losing a pound every week.  Even the weeks I struggled, I lost weight. 

I would do really good for awhile, but then struggle, and I found another awesome book that helped me further, called, "Breaking Free from Compulsive Eating," by Geneen Roth.  She talked about really being in tune with your body, and how when she stopped "quieting" her body with food, and really thinking about what her need was, she was then able to realize that, 'Oh, what I'm really feeling is lonely, not hungry,' And then she would attend to that need if she could.  It was freeing because I tend to shut down my emotions with food and books and Internet surfing.  I sometimes don't want to feel the painful emotions of stress, and being overwhelmed, or whatever is hard to deal with.  But now, I am realizing more what my body really needs!  And now that I am actually listening, I am so much happier.  Some days, I just really needed a drink of water, or to spend time cleaning my kitchen, some days I needed to spend more time with a child, some days I needed a hug from my husband, other days I needed to call friend, or I needed some extra spiritual strength.  Some days I simply needed a nap!  It was freeing to actually attend to my needs and feel fulfilled, instead of feeling guilty because I ate too much.  I was starting to trust myself, that I would know instinctively what my body needed and that I could trust it.

When Christmas came around and the first goodies came to our door, normally I would gobble them up in moments, but I wasn't hungry when they were delivered, so I didn't.  And then I kind of forgot about them.  It felt great!  And then a few days later, I ate some, and got addicted.  But because I was still only eating when I got hungry, I didn't gain weight, but I felt awful, just because I was eating more junk than normal.  I kind of got off track, and because I don't have a scale I was super worried that I gained weight.  More than anything, I felt gross, because I felt out of control.  I was eating too many sweets, and it was replacing other healthier foods.  But I couldn't seem to stop.

Then a few months later as I talked to my sister in law, I realized that I wasn't praying for help.  And after a few days of entreating the Lord for help, I felt so much more control over my body, it was just so amazing!

The funny thing is, when people ask me, "Don't you feel great?" since now I've lost thirty pounds, I don't really know what to say.  I still feel like I am daily battling my tendency to overeat, so the days when I am victorious, I feel great, but the days where I lose the battle of self control, I feel like crap.

It's interesting that I felt just as good about my body back when I was thirty pounds overweight, as I do now.  To me, my body looks similar in the mirror, I still have the same areas that seem to attract excess storage and it sure doesn't "feel" any different.  If I didn't have a mirror, I would have no idea the amount of weight I lost.  The difference is I now know what the real problem was, it wasn't the weight,(which was just a symptom of the problem) it was my tendency to overeat and use food as a solution to my problems.  And now that I know, I feel the weight of responsibility to act on that knowledge.

If my Spirit is in control, then I feel happier and more fulfilled. If I lose control and my body is ruling my Spirit, I feel like junk. 

I guess I am realizing that I need to keep Spirit over body in all matters, and for that, I need to ask for help. 

I can't do it alone.  I don't have the strength. 

But thankfully I know someone who does, and who will help me.  It is freeing to know that I have someone like that on my side, who will help me overcome all human weaknesses.