Pregnancy: The Eight Month Trial/Blessing

I decided to quietly slip in the fact that I am pregnant in one of my previous posts, just to see who noticed. So thank you for noticing! I hadn't said anything previously because my second pregnancy (right before Amalie) ended in miscarriage at 12 weeks. It was devastating, to say the least, and I regretted having told so many people about it. I would have preferred to grieve more privately.

We decided to tell the children about the baby after my fourteen week doctors visit. I don't know what it is, but I just don't "FEEL" like there is really a baby in there until I feel some kicking and see the ultrasound. I would often say to Brad "I don't feel like I'm pregnant." And he would laugh in disbelief, because I was so crazy sick and utterly exhausted.

But honestly, at times I felt like I was terminally ill or something. It felt as though my body was attacking itself and emotionally I was coming unhinged.

The worst part was that a few months before I became pregnant, I vowed to myself that I would enjoy pregnancy and not struggle emotionally with it, like I always do. I thought that because of the trials and refiners fire I have been through the last eighteen months that THIS would not be a trial for me.

How wrong I was!

I felt weak and emotionally crippled that I could not handle something like pregnancy when millions of women do it all the time. It felt as though I had suddenly become handicapped; on some days my abilities were only 10% of what they previously had been. On good days, I had about 50% capacity. (I also caught every sickness that came around!) I would pray daily that I would know how to deal with the constant nausea, the constant pain and being so tired that some days I would crash at 5:00 p.m.

One day I vented to Brad my frustrations, telling him the small amount I had accomplished that day and how hard it was for me to not be able to take care of my family the way I wanted. When suddenly I realized by the Spirit how much I had actually accomplished in my situation. It suddenly became clearer that I was doing the best I could in my situation.

There were days where I would lie on the bed in pain, only semi conscious, thoughts streaming through my mind and I would dream of being able to hibernate for the next few months until the hard part of pregnancy was over. But quickly I would realize that I didn't want to miss out on life- I still had two children that needed me desperately and brought so much joy and light to my life.

Little by little I was able to accept that this was now the reality of my life and I needed to enjoy the journey with all its dips, flips and turns.

One day as I sat on the stairs, the Spirit taught me an important lesson. I had the thought: If Amalie or Noah needed to take all your energy and take all your health, would you give it? Immediately in my mind, I answered "Of course I would!" And it suddenly hit me. This baby needed all I had to give and luckily my body was freely taking every ounce of strength and endurance I had, and I was willing to make that sacrifice in the hopes that my baby would be healthy. After this wonderful teaching moment, when I felt especially horrible, I would say in my mind "Grow, baby, grow!"

Another challenge that plagued me was feelings of inadequacy. I had been so baby hungry before getting pregnant, and now that I was, all I could see were the challenges. It was like in that movie "Father of the Bride 2" when Steve Martin and Diane Keaton are driving home from the doctors office after finding out they are expecting. Before pregnancy, I saw what Diane saw: all the sweet happy moments that fill our lives with joy. During pregnancy, I could only see what Steve saw, the horrible moments when you question why you ever wanted to become a parent.

I mean, I finally felt like I was handling my two children well, and then I go and add a third to the mix? Was I crazy? Was life too easy for me, so I had to make it harder? But I knew that heaven had inspired both Brad and I, and that a baby needed to come to our home. One day as I talked to my Dad, he told me an amazing story about Heber J Grant and it hit me with clarity WHO was trying to discourage me. And so I prayed to overcome the temptation to give into despair. Now, I am thrilled about this little one and I pray daily that I will be spiritually, physically, emotionally and mentally prepared to have THREE kids! I still realize that it will be hard, but I will have heaven's help if I will be humble enough to ask.

Through all these emotional and physical struggles, an amazing thing happened, which made me realize why women are the ones to bear this blessing/burden/trial. Every single day, poor Brad would come home to find me collapsed on the bed, trying to take care of the children and every day, he would take the children and absolutely take care of their every need the rest of the night. He would make grocery runs, run errands, bring me food, and make sure I took my vitamins. I remember towards the beginning, he would be at the grocery store, going down all the aisles, calling me on the cell phone to make sure he was getting exactly what I wanted. It was the most loving thing he could ever do for me, to take care of me and take over for me.
Because of his great compassion, the children also started to be concerned about me and would try to help me out in any way they could. It was absolutely amazing to see the overwhelming amount of compassionate acts of service that were done in my behalf over the period of two months. All the while, the children had no idea WHY their Mommy was sick every day. They would pray every day that I would get better. Those are moments I hope I never forget!

I realize that not all husbands and children will rise to the occasion, but the opportunity is there. It is interesting that the mother, the manager of the entire family is the one who bears the children, and she who previously was thought to be capable of anything and everything, can suddenly barely take care of herself, let alone her family! So I am extremely grateful for a wonderful husband who served me so willingly and without complaint.

Now that I am past the horrid point, I can look back with perspective and realize that it is okay that Pregnancy is a trial for me. I grew tremendously and I reached out in desperation to my Father in Heaven. Yes, others have more trying trials, but this was my trial and I was able to grow and learn and gain a better eternal perspective because of it. And of course, it is not over yet. But the truth is: I wouldn't trade it for anything. Being pregnant is of course extremely hard, but those moments when you feel your baby kick, are the most priceless feelings ever, when you can put your hand on your stomach and feel the baby, that there is LIFE growing and developing inside you! Truly a miracle! And I am grateful to be a part of it. Giving birth is such a spiritual, amazing experience and I would never want to wish that away.

I don't know if it's because I'm over 30 now, but the second trimester is better, but not as great as it was with the last two! And I have hardly felt the baby move, thankfully a few times I have, which is comforting, but I didn't feel this one move until 17 weeks. (Noah was felt at 15, and Amalie at 16 with a frontal placed placenta)

I am convinced the placenta is in the front, which is why I am not feeling the kicks and punches (since there are no nerve endings in the placenta). So we will see once I have had my ultrasound! I am longing to know that my baby has formed and developed properly and is doing well. Of course, it will be a pleasant bonus to find out what gender our little one is.

When we asked the children if they thought the baby was a girl or a boy, they both said they wanted it to be a boy. Then Amalie added "I want to be a boy too!" But I'll just attribute that to the fact that it was an hour past her nap. She loves to say things to get our attention. A few minutes before when we had announced that we were having a baby, it took a minute before the words sunk into the kids brains.

Noah was thrilled! And my Amalie gave us a mean look and buried her face in the couch. I guess we should have waited til after her nap to tell her. But I was too excited! We had already waited so loooong. Now, she is thrilled and I know they will both be my helpers. They LOVE babies and want to nurture and protect them.

So now you know what my kids guesses are. I wonder if the children do know, since Noah desperately wanted a sister when I was pregnant with Amalie. (Which could be attributed to the fact that I desperately wanted a girl that pregnancy)

I don't have a guess, at first I thought a girl, but then I realized that has been my guess every time! Now, I really have no clue, and Brad has not a clue either!

So what is your guess? Boy, Girl, Twins?