Letting Go

There have been times since having my third child that I am not sure how I am going to make it through.  At times, it has been the toughest struggle of my life, trying to take care of three children and parent them the way I feel is best.  But, amidst that struggle, there have always been sweet, beautiful moments that also make parenting one of the most enjoyable and satisfying things I have ever done.

Still, during the hard times when you feel you are about to break, it is also the time when you stretch and grow the most.  Of course, it is only in hindsight that you can see the lovely blessings that came from a most difficult struggle.

One of the blessings that has come for me with having more children is that I have finally started letting go.  I always knew I liked to be in control, but I had no idea the extent of a control freak I had become until I was in situations where I came to a point of ultimatum: I either had to drop things and let them go, or have a breakdown from trying to hold on and control everything.

I am slowly learning to let go and instead focus on the most important things.  I think one struggle with being a mother is that your little child comes to you as a tiny infant, completely unable to do anything for himself, and so you sacrifice your everything for them, even your own needs, because of this little person who depends on you completely.  As they grow older and more capable of doing for themselves, it is a constant re-evaluation to let go of the things they can do for themselves and let them take over. This happens their whole life through and to be that mindful, is not an easy task.  Especially when they at times act incapable or put up a huge fuss or do things differently than you would like.

One thing I realized in the last few years is that I was sacrificing my own needs to take care of my children's wants.  That was not a worthy sacrifice.  No one wants to be around a mom who is not having her basic needs met.  It's not a pretty sight, at least not in our family. 

That realization has been stunning.  As I am coming to realize what are worthy sacrifices and what are foolish sacrifices, I am becoming a much happier mama.  I used to just "push through", to do what I thought I should be doing for my children.  No matter that I was too tired, or too hungry, or hadn't had a moment alone to just think, I would push through and inevitably wind up getting upset at my children and feeling resentful.

These experiences are teaching me to let it go.  Let go of my silly expectations, go with the flow in life, and stop expecting my children to do things perfectly or my way.

Recently, I had an experience that was a powerful reminder of how far I have come in the last few years.

Gabe has struggled attending primary for the entire year.  Since I was in primary with him, the struggle was not so intense.  But, once I was released, the struggle intensified to a whole new level.  I wasn't sure what to do.  The other kids had struggles on and off, but I don't remember anyone fighting for that many months!  I have to admit I was a little judgemental in the past of those whose kids would not go to class week after week after week.  I thought that if the parents did something different, it would work out. 

And then I got my little Gabe.  It was strange to see the fight come out in him, as he is honestly a very sweet boy and for the most part quite compliant.  Every Sunday he would tell me how much he hated church and was not going and would not get dressed.  There were many times he went to church in flip flops because we had already spent a good 20 minutes battling it out just to get him dressed in church clothes and it wasn't worth another battle to get him in dress shoes. 

Every week I would pray to know what to do, but nothing specific ever seemed to come to mind, although I often felt a sense of calm as I dealt with my upset child.

Now we are in a new ward and his classmates and teachers are completely foreign to him. The first week, he cried uncontrollably in the primary room as he sat on my lap.  I managed to leave him in class, but the next week, he refused to even step in the primary room.  This is coupled with him either pretending to be sick in the morning so he doesn't have to go to church or fighting me and doing the 20 minute battle just to get dressed.  (Not surprisingly, we have been late every single week.)

Being my third child, I haven't felt needlessly stressed out about it, but I have been wondering if there is something I can do differently that would help him. 
 
Last Sunday, I sat in church praying about what to do to help Gabe.  I started worrying about what other people would think when Gabe continued to come to the adult classes week after week.
 
I have greatly overcome a lot of my people pleasing tendencies, so this was frustrating and I knew I would not receive an answer unless I simply cared what God thought and focused on being a good mom to Gabe.

And then the answer came so clearly into my mind: "Kate, just love him."

It was that simple.  Heavenly Father didn't care about any strategies I was considering, He just wanted me to love Gabe.

And I thought "I can do this!"

It was such a victory, because I know that if this would have happened with my first, I would have been stressed constantly about it. Thankfully, I feel such peace.  It will all work out eventually, I can completely leave the worrying to heaven and just focus on loving my little boy.  I can do this.